The Liberator Gaming Front

A Collection of Gaming Quotes

Hackmaster: Avengers of the Bygone Weekend

We played a weekly Hackmaster campaign for a pretty long time in a gaming store. It was a silly amount of fun, with a cast of players and characters that changed quite a bit. I don't have dates anymore, but apparently I have headers for each session.


The Avengers of the Bygone Weekend

Jason: No, I’m not playing with myself, I’m using my pocket forge.

Jason: I have great balls of fire.
Kris: Actually, they are really really tiny.
(Fireball swarm casts insanely small fireballs.)

Jason: Are you saying my fireball’s inadequate?


Combat Rounds

Sam: A round would not be complete without Dijia getting stuck.

Sam: Now we have an excuse for not showing up. We were getting killed in the other room.

Kris: If we’re lucky I can heal you. If we’re not lucky….{spooky evil voice} First Aid….

Sam: He just kicked my ass with a natural 20??

Keith [GM]: Give me the money or I’ll melt a hole in your floor.

Pizz’t: Oh good. You go take castle and sell.

Gryac: (throws off his robes) I like to fight naked!


The First PC Death

Dijia: Incense doesn’t stop you from breathing. It just sorta enhances the breathing experience.

Kara: Dragon with asthma. Bad idea.

Jason: I vote that way too, but we have to caucus first.

Sam: We’re going to have Door War, Part II.

Jason: I’ll vote for Pizz’t [for most valuable player] because he went down, found the dragon, ran away.

Kris: I don’t think we’re up to Dragonslaying. We can’t even beat birds, bees, and a door.

Jason: Aren’t dragons intelligent? We could have a conversation with it.
Sam: If it goes the way our conversation went with the door…

Larry: Shhh! Did you hear that?
Kris: What?
Keith [GM] rolls dice.
Larry: That.

Sam: It’s the dungeon equivalent of a three-story house.

Sam: We seem to have encountered the dungeon of no treasure and abundant housing.

Sam: I’m trying to make a big deal [of carrying Zellain’s dead body to the temple] so that you two can sneak out with the treasure.


Character Creation

Kris: Oh, and my character is really pretty. (19 Comeliness)
Sam: This is when we say, “Hey Baby, wanna come adventuring with us?”

Keith [GM]: Troll appears wearing his best loincloth.

Sam: Hey dude I want to keep my rope out of this.

Gryac: This half ogre beast here is our “friend.”

Jason: That would explain it. That’s definately a paladin. We can take that.

Jason: I’m downgrading him to companion.

Kris: We’re going to have to rename you “Troll, Cleric-Slayer”

Sam: I wish I could roll like this during character creation.
Keith [GM]: You are.


Ghetto Elf

Gryac: His main homeboy is down with the bitches…loves the bitches.

Gryac: This is my homey Larry Boy.

Keith [GM](In an australian accent, for the drow, because they come from a land down under): That’s a blooming big spider, ain’t it?

Jason: This is me saving on a nat twenty???
Keith [GM]: I penetrated a lot.
Jason: Well, good for you!

Gryac: How are we waking up Genessy?
Dijia: Well, we have this trebuchet…

Keith [GM]: (On the subject of PC sex): Fade to black, save vs. death magic.


Player Instructions

On learning Kris was running Gryac for Jason, who would be late:
Sam: Jason said Gryac was giving me all of his platinum pieces.
Kris: I have a note. (Reads note which states he isn’t giving away any money or treasure.)
Sam: He also said Gryac was taking point.
Kris: My note covers that too. (Reads note explaining Gryac’s feelings about the dungeon.)


Anime Elves

Sam: I’m critically stupid.

Jason: I rolled a 44 on trying to make her aliver.

Kris: (whining) I’m going to kill you *all*

Kris: (whining even more) I’m going to *die*

Jason: She would have been eaten and taken down the tunnel!
Kara: At least she wouldn’t have been violated!
Jason: It has tentacles! Don’t you watch anime??


Cute Female Elf

Sam: Come on big numbers. (Rolls snake eyes.)

Dijia: But 3 is a holy number. 3 x 2 is twice as holy!

Jason: (Singing as he increases his comeliness stat) I’m so cute, I’m so cute.

Jason: What, I’m female now?
Keith [GM]: You always were.
Jason: … squeek …

Jason: Save against party member falling?

Gryella: (falling) AAAAAaaaaaa….
(Piton comes loose from the wall. Genessy grabs and catches the piton. Genessy fails her strength check.)
Genessy: AAAAAAAaaaaaa….

Dijia and Hrolf: Go now!
Gryella: I’m trying to find out where go is!
Keith [GM]: Go is in the land of fairies and unicorns!

Jason: Ooh, way to pull a new ability out of your ass.


The Little Inbred Town in the Forest

Kris: If anyone hits me, I have knitting needles. Just letting you know.
Jason: Great, I’m going to have a sweater attached to my ass.

Sam: With this group, everything we say leads to us breaking into verse.

Sam: Between Kris and Keith I’m never going to ask a coherent question.

Kris: Of course we’re crazy. We’re the Little Inbred Town in the Forest.

Jessup: I’m getting in his face.
Kris and Sam: No, you mean in his kneecaps.
Larry: In his face. I’m getting on a chair.

Jessup: Knock em to the ground, I’m all over them.

Gryella: (flings open her robes) Who gives you the claim to tell us to go home??
Kris: Did you just flash them??
Jason: Well, my robes may be open.

(Dijia tries to hit the person holding Genessy hostage and hits Genessy instead. Then tries it again)
Kara: I’m a fighter and my intelligence is 8!
Jason: It didn’t work! Hit harder!
Kris: No! Don’t hit harder!!

Keith [GM]: So Genessy’s clothing takes 13 points of damage.
Kris: Ooh, Genessy’s naked again.
Jason: This makes for a much more cinematic scene.

Keith [GM]: I don’t have problem players.
Sam: You have opportunities?

Kris: No dumb bitches other than myself.
Jason: What about me?
Kris: You aren’t exactly a dumb bitch.
Kara: No, you’re just a bitch.


Hackmaster: The Musical

Gryac/Gryella: It’s a ceremonial War Boar!!

Gryac/Gryella: Most pigs we name Ham, Bacon, Pork, Sausage.
Hralf: Be grateful she didn’t go into a pit with one of those or we’d be calling her Sausagella.

Sam: Are you trying to tenderize your love rug?

Hralf: I roll against something.

Kara: (singing) Maybe we’ll find a fork or a spoon!
Sam: Why don’t we find a spork while we’re at it?
Kara: (still singing) Or maybe they use chopsticks…

Kris: We’re definitely not “The Avengers of the Bygone Weekend” [the official name of our group in the Hackmaster Association]. We’re more like “Hackmaster: The Musical.”
Keith [GM]: Hackmaster: The Musical, with the Original Broadway Cast.

Sam: We can look around for any big caves with glistening red eyes in it.
Kris: *laugh*
Sam: Hey, I like to know if I’m setting up camp by a cave with glistening red eyes.

Hrolf: There can be no perspective when it involves overlords keeping the righteous townfolk down.

Hrolf: At last I’ll have a night’s peace so I can contemplate my god and junk.


Hack and Slash

Kara: So what did I miss?
Keith [GM]: The Palisade of Doom.

[After the healer failing the checks to see if Kris’ character is alive]
Kris: I’m so doomed.
Sam: Well you’re dead so you’re kinda past the whole doomed part and on to the whole dead part.

Dijia: (In common) Not help me?
Kris: (In Elven) Gryella, tell him we’re going first.
Gryella: Bitches and Ho’s first.
(You know, typing this, I’m not sure *how* to plural the word Ho.)

Genessy: I hide behind the dwarf.
Gryella: I hide behind Genessy.

Sam: It wasn’t this big when I shot it!
Kara: It transformed….(singing) More than meets the eye…

Sam: Jason’s dice look like he’s been collecting for years while Kara’s are…
Kara: (All fascinated sounding) Mine are shiiiiiiiiiney.

Jason: You could have a jackelope binkini.

Jason: They have a wench wednesday.

Michael: There’s only so much sketchiness I want to transmit to the public.
Jason: Oh, now you’re worried.

Keith [GM]: (to Kara) You hit. (to Jason) Gryella?
Jason: I’m hit??
Keith [GM]: There was a period in there.
Jason: It sounded more like a semi-colon.

Kara: It’s getting pretty hot and heavy, so I’ll see if I can climb up the rope


Group Dynamic

Kara (to Sam): You have to pass a note to the GM now.
Kris: You’re the only one who hasn’t yet.
Sam: I’m not doing anything I don’t want anyone to know about…
Kara: Oh, so you’re doing it without the blankets?

Jason: I’m a grel, grels don’t cry.
Kara: You’re a girl grel.
Jason: Girl grels don’t cry. They spit.
Keith [GM]: (laughing) And they throw heavy objects.

Jason: You’re trying to keep in the good graces of the grel that’s fascinated with you, and grel love is painful love.

Hrolf: Why don’t we go wading out into the water and see what we can find?
Kris: Oh, you’re back to being critically stupid.

Hrolf: Okay. I’ll loan you a piton. This is one of my 100gp pitons. It you lose it, you owe me 100 gp.
Jason: Okay, it’s not my character anyway.

Wendell: Heal me or die. [prepares to throw a dagger at the cleric]
Kris: It’s good to see V’s already figured out this group dynamic.
Kara: And it only took one hour.

C: [random person in store while we were gaming]: On a scale of one to stupid…

Genessy: Oh, we can help Djia into his armor. That will cut down on the time.
Gryella: And be really fun!


Slashmaster

Greg comes into the store and hugs Kris while she’s in the middle of fumbling an attack. She finishes rolling dice and turns to hug Greg, who’s disappeared.
Kris: Hey, where’d he go?
Everyone: looks startled, as we *all* missed him leaving, and then laughs
Keith [GM]: Nice move silently roll for Greg.

Gryella: If a girl grel has say, a crush on a male grel, she sometimes sneaks up on him in the night and kicks him in the groin to show that she thinks he’s a strong warrior male.

Jason: You know what would be funny? We dip Hrolf’s beard in water and we can freeze it into shapes overnight. [mimes the Dilbert tie]
Keith [GM]: Dwarfbert?

Jason: With all the going to bed and stuff it was beginning to feel like SlashMaster.

Jason to Kris: Wow, this is the second game you took penetration.

Hrolf: Gryella, we were going to see the Frambroise.
Kris: The Frambroise? The Flambrise?
Sam: How would you pronounce it? Framblagors?
Kris: The Framburglars?
Sam: Okay. [As Hrolf]: We’re going to see the Framburglars.

Jason: I’m true neutral, bear with me.

Jason: I wear my alignment on my sleeve.

Gryella: I don’t know if I have my visiting wizard’s license.

Gryella: When I think about them, I touch myself.

Sam: No singing. Let’s try to kill something first.

Sam, to Kris: As I recall, last time we didn’t start getting eaten until we woke up.

Djia: I will grab an unengaged one and engage him and yell, “This one’s mine!”
Kris [thinking]: Wedding Bells for Djia?

Sam: You too can start Forest Fires.

Hrolf: If this was Paradise, I wouldn’t hurt so much.

Hrolf: So how did you become the Angel of Death, anyways?
Gryella: I’ve always been the Angel of Death.

Sam: I can’t let beautiful, scantily-clad elf women distract me from my prayers.

Kara: Don’t forget to heal me!
Jason: Um, yeah, interesting thing about that….So where are you going? 7-11?


Party Charter

Gryella: We’re going to use Wendell as our legal canary.
Keith [GM]: hunh?
Jason: If they nab him, we’ll know they’re serious.

Gryella: I sign some sort of blood oath and suddenly you all start looking at me weird.

Kara: We are an autonomous collective!

Jason: It’s an at-will autonomous collective!

Jason [reading party charter, bewildered]: If vote is tied, flip a party member?
Sam: Yes.
Jason: Coin!
Sam: Party Member!
Jason: Coin!
Sam: You suggested it!
Jason: [longsuffering] As a JOKE!

Kris: There was a reason I wasn’t here. It wasn’t time to show up yet.

Kara: Sam and Jason can search your apartment and whichever finds it [Kris’ sketchbook] first can get a kiss!
Everyone: [stares at Kara]
Kris: [reaches over and grabs kara’s drink, testing it.] Oookay, that’s water…

Dijia: What’s wrong with the guy? We haven’t even interviewed him yet!
Gryella: Because I don’t have enough lubricant..

Sam: You’d grease anyone’s palms. You’re Mr. Lubricant over there.

Gryella: C’mon Hrolf, we need to buy you a chew toy.

Hrolf: Besides which, you owe me a chew toy.

Kris: However the night is still young.
Jason: And the knife is still sharp.


Language Checks

Approximately Half of the People in Phoenix Games: I was sooooo tired…

Gryella: I want to leave tomorrow at the crock of dawn.

Jason: You’re not chaotic good, you’re…
Kris: You’re chaotic whiney.

[Hrolf won’t shut up. Genessy kisses him to make him shut up. Then Gryella won’t shut up. Genessy kisses her, thinking it worked well on Hrolf. The guards make notes on their pads.[Gryella used to be male, but ran afoul of a cursed item.]]
Gryella: That felt wrong, yet oddly familiar.

Gryella: This is not the time to be making kissy-faces!

Kris: The only thing you can blame me for is…I’ve lost the train of my thought.

Jason: Just let me know when I feel like making a marriage proposal to him.

[Djia tells Genessy that Gryella is schnookered. Genessy *massively* fails her common check. The GM tells Kris Gryella is “enlarged” “pregnant” “growing.” A short while later]
Djia: Gryella’s much easier to get along with when she’s schnookered.
Kris: [collapses into giggles]

Jason: I’m going to take my loverboy with me to the town hall and find out what happened to our charter.
Kris: [singing] We’re going to the courthouse and we’re gonna get married…

Sam [during the eulogy for our dead lawyer]: He was a good guy, for a lawyer.
Keith [GM][starts laughing]
Sam: That was out of character and you know it!

Keith [GM]: His soul must have gone where it’s going.
Kara: And for a lawyer that’s pretty bad news.


Signing the Charter

Gryella: You used to be cool!

Gryella: If you were trying to plan an assault, you can’t have people saying, “I’m not being paid enough,” I say shoot them in the back and we can…
Djia: We can use them as a bridge!
Gryella: [emphatic] That’s right.

Jason: Keep it up and that beard’s going up your ass with this pole.

Jason: We’re going to hang out against the wall like Jay and Silent Bob.

Kara: Hide in shadows in broad daylight works well when you’re stupid.

Jason: I see the gold glimmering in your eyes…Gimme the gold! Gimme the gold!!
Sam: Gee, how did you know our [the dwarves] national anthem?

John: Walls are impressed by people who get naked.

Kris: I hope they don’t have to be sober to sign.

Kris: Hrolf, living up to his name.

John: Charter first, mantoy later.

Genessy: Gryella, Djia took off his clothes!
Gryella: Ooh, that sounds fun!

Gryella: I think it’d be a great time to start a party scrapbook.

Hrolf: Who’s the priest here?

Gryella: Is this your idea of a joke??
Genessy: [innocently] What joke?
Gryella: What joke??…You’re so cute!

Gryella: Today there are no charters. There’s only love.

Keith [GM]: Think of Mardi Gras where everyone stays home.


Pretty Respectable

Kara [on cell phone, calling Jason]: Hi, it’s Kara, looking for Keith. No, actually, looking for Jason.

Genessy: I can’t really figure out what your [religion] believes.
Hrolf: Well good. We’re doing our jobs then.

Kris: Is she as pretty as me?
Keith [GM]: No.
Kara: She’s respectable, though.

Sam: I’m tempted to follow the mob after they leave her but that’s a little too stupid even for me.

[The priest walks into a bar.]
John: He found the theives’ guild!!

Hrolf: What’s the cheapest stuff you got?
Jason: The dishrag special.

Kris: No no! Bad plan. Very bad plan. Not Stupid. Idiotic. Bad bad plan.

Kris: You need to write him an eulogy on a paper towel??

Keith [GM][As Drunk in Bar]: He turned me into a newt!
Gryella: Is he a wizard?
Keith [GM][As Drunk]: Who else would turn you into a newt?
Gryella: A witch?
Keith [GM][As Drunk]: …Good point.

John: Never try to regulate a wizard.
Kris: That sounds so wrong.
John: Fiber. Lots of fiber.


No Shit, There We Were

Gryella [to Djia]: Do you know where we can find Djia?
Djia: I’m with you.

Jason: Next time I’m the leader, let me know.

Kris: I brought out my secret weapon: Djia and his high charisma and comeliness!

Sam: Have fun with your wizard!

C: I play Exalted because I like throwing dice like cluster bombs.

Kris: So we were in a war.
Kara: Yes! And the war was in us!

Jason [singing]: No singing today/ It would irritate us/ Make our heads explode/ stab us with pencils…

Keith [GM]: I’m rolling horrible damage on these guys. Falling does not agree with them.

Sam: The orcs are orcs of honor. They don’t want to hit a dwarf with his pants down.

Jason: I’ll kill you all, let God figure out your genders.

Djia: Are you sure your gawd loves you?

Keith [GM]: The one monk in the library in which you’re studying is startled by an attractive female elf running past yelling, “IT’S A COOKBOOK!”

Jason and Kris realize they have matching dice: Ooh! My twin! My long lost twin!


Heroic Verse

Sam [very proud]: My critical fumble goes into song!

And…..for your pleasure….the song in question, written by Jason:

The wall was covered with orcs
We didn’t know what to do
The bottles still had it’s corks
But our hearts still were true

(chorus)
And then the dwarf lost his pants
And the warrior’s strike was true
But everyone was in awe of the grel
because it was her that knew what to do … uh huh

Arrows of fire flew up high
The fields of orcs made people grim
Lots of people were going to die
And we all knew our chances were dim

And then the dwarf lost his pants
And the warrior’s strike was true
But everyone was in awe of the grel
because it was her that knew what to do … uh huh

Brave Gryella did stand tall
And she cast her magic glad and brave
And orcs tumbled down the wall
With her help the town was saved

And then the dwarf lost his pants
And the warrior’s strike was true
But everyone was in awe of the grel
because it was her that knew what to do … uh huh


Likes and Dislikes

C: What’s wrong with tight?
Jason: It denotes a lack of experience.

Kara: Is translucent a color?
Kris: No, clear is a color.

Jason: I don’t like this chair. I’m sick of this chair. I don’t want this chair here.
[Jason moves the chair next to Sam. Sam considers the chair. Sam moves over and sits on the chair.]
Sam: I like this chair.


Our Finest Moment

INSERT FURNITURE PORNOGRAPHY HERE

Sam: It’s time for me to rest so I can be hungover.

Jason: Does your character have the flaw “Withholds the important information from the party??”

Jason: Don’t you think it would be a good idea to tell the stupid people “don’t give the scroll to the evil wizard or he’ll blow up the world?!”

Keith [GM] [As Odin’s Raven]: You have no idea who I am. You should go back to priesty-school.

Lorana: Get scroll. Destroy world. Bow to Raven. Odin’s Raven. RUN!

Gryella: We’re not going to a bar for sanctuary.

Kris: Let me get this straight. I’m next to the very nice wizard who’s never done us any wrong while a Raven circles overhead screeching and my friends run around like idiots with no brains. Lorana is carrying Djia who is frozen by a spell, running towards the temple of Odin, while Hrolf is charging me and the wizard, and Gryella is shouting into a coin.
Sam: Truly this is one of our finest moments.

John: We make a pretty statue.

Kris and Kara: Everybody must roll init.

Sam: I have both wizards in my line of sight. Which one is evil?
Keith [GM]: The only evil one you see is Genessy.

Keith [GM]: Give me an intelligence check.
Jason: If I can find it.

Kris: Must rewrite party charter. Must make self party leader. Must kill everyone.


There’s No I in Party

Kris: So what did you all do to my character last week?
Keith [GM]: I think Genessy basically stumbled along like a zombie last week. Except for the pregnancy thing.
Kris: I don’t believe you on the pregnancy thing.
John: You will in the end.

Keith [GM]: Once the guy pulls the dagger out of his chest, it’s his dagger, and he should have a license.

Sam: There’s got to be something religious I can be doing somewhere else.

Kris: John, you don’t need to channel Kara. Kara’s right here and perfectly capable of singing for herself.

John: Dwarves don’t have history.
Jason: They just have bar tales.

Kara: Turning on your friend might actually be earning you gawd’s trust because you’d be giving up something of value to you.

Hrolf: Drink first, talk later.

Gryella: There’s no “I” in “Party.”
Lorana: There is in Elvish!

Gryella: Orthald’s a very valuable member of this party.
Hrolf [Orthald’s mentor]: He is?

John: A little elf on elf action.

John: The dwarf passes gas.
Sam: Flatulence is not one of my quirks and flaws.
John: That’s because dwarves consider it a virtue.

[On travelling through small hamlets, villages, etc]
Sam: Onward to the Depressed Prince of Denmark!
Keith [GM]: By lunchtime you’ve passed through the Depressed Prince of Denmark.

John: Are there usually inns there?
Keith [GM]: No.
John: So they’re male.


The Goat

[Lorana goes hunting. Normally John asks what animal Lorana finds. This time, well, forgot to. So…. On Why Lorana Killed A Goat]
Lorana: It came right at me.

Lorana: If I hadn’t killed it, imagine what it would have done!
Gryella: What, produced milk??

Genessy: Get the goat in the cart. We’re moving on.
Djia: We’re not spending the night here, that’s for sure.
Gryella: Unless you want to look for it’s treasure. Maybe it has a lair!

Lorana: It was menancing!

Djia: Please pay no attention to my friend.
Genessy: Most of us don’t.

Djia [brightly sarcastic]: This is a *great* pilgrimage. I’m really enjoying this.

Keith [GM]: You hear a rooster crow.
Lorana [preparing to fight]: It’s a wild turkey!!

Keith [GM][as NPC]: At night? You can’t go at night. There’s bandits!
Gryella: Yeah, they kill your goats.

John: You can never be bored with a wisdom of 4.

Djia: I don’t think a dowry equals a dead goat.

John: If she isn’t a good wife, we’ll kill her.
Kris: We want to get our money’s worth.

Digia: It might be someone’s…
Hrolf: Domesticated pet turkey-vulture?

John: Why are my imaginary birds mating?

Kara: I fire blindly at it.
Keith [GM]: Words GMs like to hear: blindly is on the list.

Keith [GM]: Gryella’s actually attached to the donkey.

Keith [GM]: That’s very true. You guys have successfully mauled your own donkey.


It’s a Holy Quest

Digia: What did you say your name was?
Larry: Sniffle
Kara: Larry, that’s so cute.

Kara: This is an example of what is menacing.

Digia: We’re travelling to Insert Lake Name Here.
Genessy: On top of Insert Mountain Name Here.
Lorana: On a quest for Insert Deity Name Here.

Lorana: Actually, Relevick is requiring him to take a bath.

Sniffle: What’s in it for me?
Digia: Lots and lots of protection.
Gryella: Yeah, from all the danger we’re dragging you into.

Gryella: No one pee in the lake.

Keith [GM]: You hear a wooshing, whistlely sound off in the woods.
John: [points at the dwarf] Is it him?

John: I touch it.
Kris: Dumb, da-dumb dumb.

Keith [GM]: Give me an intelligence check.
John: I made it.
Jason: You now realize you are going to die.

John: I grab the rope. [rolls die] Nat 20!
Kris: I grab the rope. [rolls die] Nat 1!

Kara: I vote for Hrolf for coming to an epiphany.
Sam: I came to an epiphany?

Sam: I’ll vote for Genessy for most valuable player even though I don’t want her to gain a level.


My Precious

Keith [GM]: You can’t really go up in level unless you get out of your gawd’s doghouse.

Genessy: This is not the end of the world. We averted the end of the world.
Hrolf: And we did a pretty good job of that.
Keith [GM]: By being hit by a fireball…

Kara: She’s already closed the door. You don’t have to keep arguing through it.

Keith [GM][As priest]: The gawds, they know things you can’t….that’s why they’re gawds.

Sam: Oh, god.
Kara: No, ‘Oh, Relivik.’

[As penance, Hrolf must give up his most treasured item. He doesn’t seem to have one, so Keith looks over his equipment.]
Keith [GM]: You must give up your snuffbox.
Sam [hamming it up]: Oh, my cherished snuffbox.
Keith [GM]: Well, it’s one of the things you know is magical.
Sam [looking completely floored]: It is??

Hrolf: The long and short of it is I get to go on a long trip…
Sam: That sounds like a bad fortune-cookie.

Djia: I thought you just had a cold. I thought that’s why you couldn’t cast.

Hrolf: Here’s my last will and testament: All my stuff goes to Earl the Dragon.
Gryella: I think that’s a given.

Djia: Weird…
Jason: Science.

Jason: I don’t think I’d ever say this, but Djia, do you want to run off together?


At Least We’re Entertaining

Jason [rubs a feather against his cheek]: See, this is not kinky.
Keith [GM]: If you used the whole chicken, that would be kinky.

Genessy: When Lorana goes back to the inn, we have a mission for her.
Jason: Eating toothpaste?

Jason: You failed your credit check.
Sam: How was I supposed to know the credit agency could check your honor?

Jason [to John]: Here, you put on the boa, I’ll put on the glitter.

Kris: I lead my party back to the inn.
Sam: First you’ll have to lead your party back to the game.

Jason: I’m a professional sonograph.
Kara: A professional sonograph??
John [shouting at Jason’s stomach]: Hello! Is there a baby in there??

Lorana: You’re a dwarf. Forge something.
Kris: And the elves start getting superior.

Lorana: But he might get out of jail with a grudge and besmirch our reputation.
Genessy: And you really can’t afford that, Hrolf.
Gryella: So we should just bribe a guard to put poison in his food.

Gryella: If we get another dwarf that’s one too many.

Gryella [to Hrolf]: You begging for money is really sad.

Hrolf: Djia’s pretty smart today.
Genessy: I think there’s something wrong with Djia. He’s never this smart.
Lorana: Brain Slugs.
Hrolf: Brain Slugs. I got to get me some of those.

Keith [GM]: Orcs are inedible.
Kris: Orcs are inevitable.

Sam: My protoge winds up in jail and I end up on the wrong side of the gawds. Well, things can only get better from here.
Kris: Oh, great, now you’ve doomed us all.

Sam: This is going to beat our dragon story. Not many adventuring parties can say they killed a cave.

Lorana: I’ve seen more disgusting things and ate them for breakfast.

C: I love listening to this game.


Hobbit Porn

[Plushie “Agent Cthulhu” goes flopping, not flying, across the room]
John: And this is why agents do not make good paratroopers.

Kara, to John: What’s your character’s name again?
Kris: Lorana.
John: Thank you, I couldn’t remember.

Gryella: What, are we in the land of unnatural love?

[Gryella and Sniffles head into the woods. Alone.]
Sniffles: I want to check out this hole-thing.
Everyone: laughs
Sniffles: And see what’s in it.
Everyone: keeps laughing
Sniffles: The one with the breeze!
Jason: That’s the wrong hole!!

John: alt.sex.hobbit.duct-tape

John: It’s sacrilicious!

[INSERT HOBBIT/ELF PORN HERE]


Gawdcast

Jason: You paid your cable bill.
Keith [GM]: You paid your Gawdcast.
John: And navigated through the options to upgrade to Digital Gawdcast.

Gryella: We could try and burn down the forest. The badger might leave then.
Kris and Sam: There’s the Gryella we all know and love.

Digia: What, you fired at [the wizard]??
Hrolf: I was menaced!

Kris: I keep hoping Greg is coming in to hug me.
Kara: Is this game really that bad?
30 Seconds Later: Greg walks in and hugs Kris.

John: I’m going to take Wendell off my horse and stick it in the cart.
Kara: It? It??
Kris: You’re putting your horse in the cart?


The Medical Plan

[Words no gamer wants to hear]
Keith [GM]: Save vs. polymorph.

Sam: Welcome to the club of people who used to be human.

Kris: My job in this party is to tell them the smart thing to do, flee while they do the stupid thing, and then drag them back for healing.
Kara: Or in this case, adoption.

[after being turned into something “with four legs, fur, and you growl and purr”]
Sam: I attack the wizard!
Keith [GM]: Okay.
Sam: …with what?

Keith [GM]: You cut off his head.
John: There can be only one!!!

Sam: I like mountain lion Hrolf.

Digia: Can you heal the donkey?
Hrolf: Meow? [gnaw, gnaw]

Jason: You mean you have all the magical stuff and you shrunk it?

Jason: When we don’t have a cleric, the medical plan is take whatever potion you want.

Genessy: I think we need to wait until Lorana grows up into a real elf.

Lorana: The cat seems to be annoyed.
Genessy: Why?
Lorana: You ask it! I’m not tangling with it when I’m 2 1/2 inches tall and have 3 hit points!

Jason: I wonder if the Big Y ever went to the Big E?

Gryella: I don’t think the cat can heal.

Keith [GM]: Poof.
Everyone: Poof?
Keith [GM]: Lorana turns into a bumblebee.

Jason: I think it would be funny if we had to ask the cat to perform first aid on the bumblebee.


Improbably Large Elves

Gryella: If I was a wizard, I’d take the stairs.
Genessy: You are a wizard.
Gryella: I’d take the stairs.

Larry: I’ve known you guys for a few days.
Sam: That’s like a lifetime for anyone else.

John: Ever get the feeling you guys are the bad guys?
Kris: All the time.

Sam: It’s just the platemail bikini of remote eyeball gouging.

[On watching an elf with a 20+ comeliness]
Kara: If she’s entangled does that block enough of her?
Jason: No that makes her more interesting.

Gryella: We tried to turn a cat into a dwarf and turned an elf into a bee.

Genessy: Does she use magic to keep those up??
Sniffles: Enlarge.

Kara: It’s not as much fun to kill the bad guys when their women weep.

Kara: You were aiming for a glancing blow of skewering??

Gryella: I could turn into a guy and fall in love with you but that would be weird.
Genessy [snickering]: That would be extremely weird.

Keith [GM]: You’re specialized in what?
Random Person in Store: That’s precisely what I’m specialized in. I can what better than anyone.


The Travelling Zoo

Digia [angrily, after Genessy accidently clunks a dagger into the back of his head]: Thank you!!
Genessy: Duck next time!
Digia: Warning??
Genessy: Then they’ll know I’m here.

Kris: I can’t accidentally backstab!!

Kara: I’m running back to the weeping woman.
Jason: Sounds like you are running towards a bar.

Kara: Out of Character, Wow, was she ever dependent.
Kris: Well, look what she let the wizard do to her! Floating tits of doom!

Digia: I too can cut cheese.

Genessy: I think something’s burning.
Gryella: Maybe we should put out our friends.

Gryella: We can’t be prancing around the countryside with a half-naked chick who isn’t me.

Gryella: I check and make sure my breasts are still there.

John: We have cleric who can’t heal, a wizard who can’t cast, and a fighter who’s a bee.

John: Now that you’re a cat, you’re bigger than you used to be.
Sam: I don’t know, Keith never gave me stats.
John [emphatic]: You were a dwarf!!
Keith [GM]: A little bit shorter, but somewhat longer.
John [to Kris while she dies laughing]: They didn’t really catch what I said.

Gryella: Okay, I’m boozing up.

Keith [GM]: Okay, give me some kind of crazy-ass roll.

Keith [GM]: Do you have animal handling or anything?
Kara: No, but I can roll a d20 with the rest of us.


There Was a Door

Digia: Why were we dead?
Genessy: You were dead. There was a door.
Digia: Okay. Stop right there. “There was a door.” That’s all I need to know.

Lorana: Be happy you’re not a lawyer. Whoa.
[John MEANT to say “Lion.”]

Gryella: Do you really think you deserve a full share of the treasure for killing that rabbit that was menacing us?

Jason: No, I have a pumpkin fetish right now.

Jason: Adopt-A-Peasant

Keith [GM]: Right about 4th Watch…
Jason: Shit, that’s mine.

[after exhorting a party member to leave the armorer, as they can’t be the only one in the city]
Jason: You see on the door, “The Only Armorer in Fangerie”

Gryella: Hey, Orthald is a man of the cloth.
Genessy: What cloth? The cloth he stole from the country inn a few miles back??

John: Succulent melons….

Keith [GM]: Genessy tends to make a lot of noise at night.
Jason: Only if she’s in the room with the dwarf.

Genessy [to Digia]: Okay, we’ll burn down all of Applestead except for your mom.

Kara: Keith, I really want to see you dress up in women’s clothing at some point.

Jason [highly concerned]: And entities controlled by Keith are getting our money!!

Orthald: If I’d have known you were having meetings, I’d have appealed a while ago.


Hostages

Hrolf: Apparently he’s being held for ransom!
Barkeep: Happens around here.

Genessy: Do we really want Sniffles back?
Hrolf: Of course we want Sniffles back!
Genessy: Why?
Digia: Because he’s the cleric and he has to say that.

Digia: If you can come up with a way to keep Wendell and Orthald happy [then Lorana can join the party]
Genessy: Are you suggesting I sleep with Orthald and Wendell??
Wendell [overhearing]: Not that I’m arguing, but what? Orthald: Why do you get to sleep with her?
Wendell: I don’t know!
Lorana: No one’s sleeping with anyone!
Wendell: Why not?
Lorana: Because there’s a halfling missing.
Orthald: Then he doesn’t get to sleep with her.

Gryella: What do you people do for afternoon tea?
Guard: Tea.
Gryella: What do the hostages do?
Guard: Tea.


Loot!

Kris: Michael and E left the store and apparently left us in charge.
John: LOOT!!
[Upon the nightly reading of the quotes, the look on Michael’s face had to be seen to be believed.]

Jason: Shouldn’t it then be called The Deflowering Rose?

[On Palm Pilot Geekery]
John: May I just hold it for a minute?

John: Wow, I thought it would be bigger. I was worried it would hurt my hand.

Anuk: One of your friends has sniffles?
Gryella: He’s a halfling. He’s a little tied up at the moment or he’d be here.

Jason: That counts as combat!! That bird was menacing us!!!

John: And for the record, I would not loot the store.


Party Size

Michael: So voting is a result of blood magic?

Michael: I forgot my water bottle behind the Salvation Army shed.
Keith [Gm]: What were you doing that required you to leave your water bottle behind the Salvation Army shed?
Kris: Keith, I thought about asking that but decided I didn’t want to go there.

Kara: I find your lack of intelligence disturbing.

Keith [Gm]: The party has been hit by the ugly stick.

Orthald: The guts fell out of its nose.
Wendell: What are you talking about?? Orthald: Well, when you squeeze them, the guts fell out of his nose.
Kara: Oh, I thought you were saying GOATS.

Daren: I have been known to kill some stuff in my time.

Daren: I’ve been trained in the [insert name of monastery here].

Hrolf: An initiation to prove you’re not a wuss like the last person who tried to join.
Genessy and Hrolf, wondering: Wait, who was the last person who tried to join?
Gryella: Lorana!
Sam: Let’s not read this out to John next week.

Gryella: How much is a halfling slave on the open market?

Digia: Now I’m afraid to let you go because you’re rabid and you might bite me.

Gryella: We need to put the finishing touches on our un-plan.

Gryella: I’d pay one gold for Sniffles any day.

[If Sniffles dies…]
Kidnapper: Funerals cost a lot.
Gryella: The family would take care of that.
Kidnapper: If you’re his employer you’re expected to pitch in.
Gryella: We’ll just throw him in the fire.

Keith [Gm]: The dwarf keeps trying to sink.

Jason: And moaning sounds!! There were moaning sounds in that fog!!

Keith [Gm]: I could have only one job in Japan. [Keith stands and does Godzilla impression]

John: Wow, we eat better than I do.
Michael: Well if you were out in the woods, you could eat this good too.

Kara: How did we get this big anyway?
Jason: Because we’re not getting into enough fights and killing off party members.
Kara: Shit, that’s right.


Divvying Loot

Digia: Gee, you really had to talk him into it.
Genessy: Some people appreciate my charms.
Sniffles: Others of us get over it.

Jason: She’s a purveyor of all things bouncy…

Gryella: Why don’t we hide the ugly guy. They might mistake him for furniture.

Jason: We should have killed them when we didn’t know who they were.

Keith [GM]: And Genessy takes 13 points of damage.
Everyone but Kris: Owwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Kris: On the other hand I so claim that armor.
Kara: Not that you can fill it.
Jason: I think someone just made The List.

Keith [GM]: Sherna goes down.
Larry: On who?

[Things you don’t expect to hear in a fantasy game]
John: There goes my first clone.

Hrolf: When Relvik works, Relvik works.
Jason: I spend the rest of my round doing the Relvik dance.

Michael: I’m going to find something. Put a dagger in it. Preferably an enemy.

Michael: You’re the SMVP? The second most valuable player?

On immobilising bandits:
Darren: We could break their arms.
Genessy: What is it with you people? You want to break their arms, you want to starve them…
Darren: We could break one arm.

Digia: Weren’t you looking for followers?
Genessy: Not common bandits!
Digia: They don’t have high expectations.


Evil

Genessy: I have never steered this party wrong yet.
Kara: There’s a difference between wrong and evil.

Darren: Mmm, wild turkeys are made of meat!

Keith [GM] [as NPC]: Make your mark here.
John: “Make your mark here” [mimes unzipping pants]

Darren: I never thought you the pummelly-punchy sort.

Keith [GM][as NPC]: I don’t have my meeting until yesterday.


Experience

Jason: There was a roaming gazebo.
Kara: It was a growing gazebo.
Kris: A groping gazebo? What??

Michael: What time are we starting?
Kris: We’ve already started. I have a quote.
Jason: You’re missing experience!!

Jason: The cat has gotten out of the bag, is up the tree, and is laughing at us. There’s no reason to keep holding the bag shut. We might as well look in the bag.
Larry: What’s in the bag?
Jason: Cat hair.

Gryella: Hey, halflings can fit in places most can’t.

Keith [GM]: I design, build, and sell bandits.

Jason: We don’t want our rations to get there before us.

Keith [GM]: We’re off to meet the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Arhz.

Kris: I am not a fringe benefit!

Michael: Can the mountains be hidden behind?
Keith [GM]: Yes, but you wouldn’t be in striking distance.

Keith [GM]: [name of dwarf, ending with} Dun Axe.
Kris: Dun Axe, Dun Tell?

Jason: When someone asks you if you’re a hill dwarf, you say “No!”


The Power of Ugly

Michael: Is that your player’s book?
Kara [holds up her book]: Yes. I can tell because it’s got this wedge in it.
Michael [holds up his book]: See, this one has your name in it.

Keith [GM]: My dice were angered by something.

Kris: Look, I got him out of harm’s way and then got loot. This is a perfectly legitimate form of Hackmaster roleplay.
Kara: Foreplay?
Kris: Roleplay.
Everyone: You said Foreplay.

Kris: Do you have a name yet?
Roland: No. The mule does. That was easy.

John and Kris, singing: In the Navy, you can sail the 7 seas, In the Navy
John [on his own, as Kris didn’t know the words, and apparently, neither does he]: You can bang a sailor with ease!

Jason: I think I’m going to think of a new slogan for RFB.
Kara: We’re busy, go away?

Kara: My name is Digia. How may I slaughter you today?

E: Yay giant glowing sex.

Michael: We are drawn by the power of Ugly.
John: The power of ugly compells you!


Healing Help

Genessy: Orthald, now you are definitely not getting any.
Orthald: You said I wasn’t getting any before. I don’t see how this is different.
Gryella: Unless we change the party medical plan.
Genessy: I am NOT the party medical plan!

Digia: Have you come to attack us?
Rorgar: U-um Ah, um…
Jason: Wrong Answer. Boom!!

John: Can I hunt Sniffles?
Sam: We’re not that hard up for food.

Sniffles: Who was Jessup?
Gryella: You would have liked him.
Genessy: He was short.

Daren: Guiletudinous.
John: What? Michael: He needed a word. I found one for him. I made it up, but I found it.

Kris: Freedom, Individuality, but no sex!
Jason: Drugs, Celibacy, and Rock and Roll!

[After we activate the Party Medical Plan and pour a random potion down Hrolf’s throat, enlarging him]
Digia: Gryella, didn’t you have a wand of healing?

Lorana: He may get a fever. Maybe we should put him in water.

Keith [GM]: Lorana takes 6 to start.
John: Oh, Goody!

Keith [GM]: And out comes another toy.
Kara: From John’s pants.

[After a big discussion in Elven/Dwarven]
Digia: What are you guys talking about?
Singingdragon: Babylon 5.

Michael: I see a lot of married women once a week.
Kris: One on monday, one on tuesday, one on wednesday…


More

Jason: If the goat talked to me, I’d kill it.
John: If the goat talked to you, I’d kill it.

Gryella: [casts sleep]
Jason: I sleep 14 hit dice of goats.
Keith [GM]: Nine of the goats fall down and slide towards you.
John: INCOMING!!!!

Michael: Narcoleptic Goats! Get your narcoleptic goats here!

Keith [GM][pretending to be Genessy]: My credit cards?
Kara: What’s in your wallet?

Sam: We have the met the enemy, and they are pointy.

Sam: You’re providing a useful purpose. You’re protecting our goats.
Michael: Or providing moral support.
Kris: Immoral Support.

Kara: You might be one of the first characters to not get killed by a party member.


Honor Purge

Keith [GM]: You do have an arrow sticking out of your shoulder.
Michael: Does that actually affect me in any way?

Jason: So I rolled 20 in unnatural damage.

John: I’d like to check this purse, this bag, and this string of bandits.

Genessy: He seems competent enough.
Singingdragon: Or at least not less competent than the rest of you.

Jason: Oooh, chicken stuffed with broccoli? That would be really good if you stuffed it into a turkey.

Keith [GM][as NPC]: Why would anyone want to hide such beauty as yours?
Gryella: What? Are you talking to the dwarf?

Larry: Purrr. purrrrrr. purrrrrrrr. purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Jason, John, and Kris: KHAN!!!!!!!

Michael: Honor purge! Honor purge! You’re pretty close to it anyway.

Aelana: You have Loot: Basic??
Keith [GM]: Isn’t that what they did with Pascal?

Michael: Awwww. Oh, wait! 49!! I was reading [my dice] backwards!

Keith [GM]: Count Aruk Thalin…
Larry: The Poor. I cut his purse.


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