The Serpent Isle Campaign
This was one of the stranger games I played in; there was a lot of death and respawning at the start, but once we got the hang of it, it was rather fun.
MAY 25, 2004
Kris: You’re making out like a bandit over there
Jared: Funny you should say that
Xenin: So what is a knight?
Bryan: The opposite of day.
Bryan: I know, we died and we’re in limbo.
Jared: I better not be dead again
Stephanie: I can just see the word “pause” blinking on and off in my mind
Kris: It could be worse, it could be blinking “12:00”
Joanna: I’m talented with zippers. It comes in handy in many places.
Robin: Change is bad
Joanna: How average do you feel today?
Kris: It was going so well right up until it got large.
Jared: No comment.
Kris: Oh, that’s what she is! She’s a gnome that used to be a half-elf. She’s a gelfling!
Bryan: Let’s get rid of the dead bodies.
Kris: But they sorta liven up the place.
Jared: They sorta deaden up the place.
Stephanie: Is it just me or does this hallway seem to be breathing?
Bryan: Well it does keep getting longer and shorter and bigger and thinner
Stephanie: I love how there’s always safety in numbers
Jared: Fear my dead animal.
JUNE 18, 2004
Bryan: Sorry, I couldn’t help it.
Kris: Yes you could. That’s why you have willpower.
Pete [GM]: She’s going at it with a couple of guys.
Jared: On the practice field??!
Pete [GM]: [blinks as he catches up to what he said]
Robin: I am Robin. You already know that. You are Jorven. You already know that.
Bryan: That’s okay, you can hit me all you want.
Kris: Ooh, don’t make offers.
[The GM mocks us as we muddle about fetching our new cloaks before a banquet, and Kris says, Cloak and Blanket, because it had been a large bear, and she’s a small halfling.]
Pete [GM]: “We have to pick up our cloaks before the blanket…can we say quote book anyone?”
Roland: Possibly not…
Bryan and Kris: Magical Lice??!
Gaulrog: As a Death Cleric do you just save the bodies or the souls?
Xenin: It really depends on what I’m using them for.
Gaulrog: Ah, you’re going to go look for a needle in a garbage dump?
Xenin: Apparently the only language we all have in common is…common…
Enelya: “Snarl Snarl” means “I’m hungry.”
Xenin: Actually “Grumble Grumble” means “I’m hungry” in most languages. “Snarl snarl” usually means “I’m going to kill you.”
Gaulrog: No difference in Orcish.
Jared: Cast detect paper.
Enelya: …because my damn monkey won’t work!
Robin: He’s still leaking!!
Kris: Preparing her for cremation. As opposed to Claymation.
Kris: There goes another spoon for the day.
Jared: Soon you’ll be in the Matrix. “There is no spoon.”
Oskar: Nasty bisquit-dropping cow-plant.
Pete [GM]: They weren’t crudely drawn. They were drawn and crude.
Roland starts drawing.
Kris: I don’t need that mental image.
Kris: Temple of who?
Joanna: Used by those of delicious intent
Roland: Fireball. Whoosh. No more paperwork.
AUGUST 16, 2004
Kris: I refuse to be eaten by a couch.
Stephanie: It’s quite fun!
Pete [GM]: I would most definitely be potentially interested in buying three longswords.
Enelya: Hey, there is an innkeeper here!
Jared: Hey, look, leather! It’s even been sweated in!
Jared: And my CDrom drive attempts lift-off.
Oskar: O…kay Enelya, you keep playing with your flowers.
Oskar: Hey Enelya, do you want to go play in the ruins?
Pete [GM]: [Laughing as Enelya catches on]
Enelya: Who’s going to die? Who’s going to die?
Kris: That’s my line!
Jared: Casting a spell is a loud and wavy business.
Stephanie: Your door farted.
Robin: I’m not asking for a Tower. A Hovel. Anything would be fine.
Pete [GM]: It’s the Weary Warrior.
Jared: Good meal for a weary warrior! [pause] That’s not the name of the stew, is it?
Stephanie: Not everyone can have a cool door like the Wolf Clan can.
Robin: I can outrun a forest fire.
Bryan: I throw my dice at Robin.
Oskar: Hey look! It’s the ocean!
Xenin: Gee, Oskar, I never would have guessed!
Robin: It’s a goddamn good thing we have a ranger or we would have never known!
Pete [GM]: You find some tracks.
Bryan: What kind of tracks are they?
Kris: They are probably ours.
Pete [GM]: You camp. You wake, you sleep.
Robin: Mm, naked goblins.
Pete [GM]: Although it would be fun to punch the guy’s horn while he’s blowing it.
SEPTEMBER 20, 2004
Knights of Monitor
Stephanie: Oh no, my monkey’s got a battle!
Pete [GM]: Pass the greasy death.
Oskar: It’s such a shame to put a good monkey to waste.
Xenin: There are many knights of Monitor.
Gaulrog: As many nights as there are days.
Stephanie: Male bonding, isn’t it grand?
Robin: Parlez-vous Elvish?
Pete [GM][As Shopkeeper]: This town was founded on the precepts of beauty.
Enelya: There’s more to beauty than what’s on the outside.
Oskar: We appreciate Monitor’s appreciation.
Jared: Congratulations, Jack! You’re the new anchor!
Stephanie: Even better, a half-orc fairy!
Kris: That’s the largest fairy I’ve ever seen.
Stephanie: That’s the ugliest fairy I’ve ever seen.
Jared: Put some clothes on! [as fairy] But I feel so free!
Kris: No freedom for you!
Pete [GM] to Kris: Feed him some more so he doesn’t talk.
Stephanie: What, keep something in his mouth?
Jared: No comment. Well, lots of comments, but…
Xenin: I’m in need of some magical enhancement.
Pete [GM][as shopkeeper]: …I see…
[We enter the tavern]
Jared: [cell phone rings]
Pete [GM]: There’s a minstrel playing.
Robin: We are the epitome of the wild side of magic.
Pete: Khim, Arahad, Arahad part 2, and Kyle.
Stephanie: I get a little dizzy from looking at all the doors.
Robin: It’s not the doors, Enelya.
OCTOBER 12, 2004
Bats and Boats
Stephanie: Here comes the purple shining bat of doom!
Kris: Great Pickup Lines: I’m not really a dwarf.
Pete [GM]: Well, maybe if it’s a fruit bat he might want a pear.
Jared: Gaulrog has his own bat-a-rang.
Xenin: Robin, are you playing with the Diviners?
[On making a boat]
Enelya: We could just carve one out of rock.
Bryan: It’s 2666!
Jared: There’s two of them!!
JANUARY 26, 2006
Gaming, Sex, and Death
Enelya: I’m going to summon the monkey! I’m going to summon the monkey!
Kris: That sounds kinky.
Robin: Aren’t you supposed to be meditating?
Kris: I said he needs to see some people who have not died screaming.
Roland: You could gag them first.
Stephanie: I wonder how Scooby would do singing his own theme song.
Jared: Just wow.
Pete [GM]: Wow.
Pete [GM]: Just wow.
Robin: The war against the machines.
Kris: You’re trapped in the matrix.
Stephanie and Kris blink and make several hand-wavy motions at each other.
Pete [GM]: That’s very hard to think through.
Kris: We’ll go to silent mode. *They switch to just hand gestures.*
Jared: *tickles Stephanie* Aha I made one stop!
Pete [GM]: Now they are grabbing at each other.
Kris: Oh, Stephanie darling.
Jared: Keep doing that.
Pete [GM]: Maurice, there’s a camera on the table.
Jared: I’m vibrating.
Stephanie: He’s vibrating.
Kris: I guess we were pretty good.
Jared: You were.
Pete [GM]: Yes, you were.
Stephanie: Actually, I’m really hot. Warm! I mean warm! I choked down my water to fix that.
Kris: It is a little hot in here.
Jared: Because we have two girls making out on the couch!
Stephanie: I was going to dump this on you but then a thought came into my head.
Kris: That then I’d be in a wet t-shirt?
Robin: No offense Xenin but I think your pony will go first.
Xenin: True, but that will slow us down.
Gaulrog: Only a day while we cook it.
Stephanie: It’s Lesbian Night.
Jared and Stephanie change places on the couch.
Kris: But now I can’t play with Steph. You’re coming between us.
Jared: You could just play with each other over me…
Kris: You’d enjoy that too much.
Xenin: What are you?
Forest Giant: Forest Giant.
Robin: I’ll buy that. You’re big, we’re in the woods.
Pete [GM]: Badger. Not pony.
Pete [GM]: Yay I got poked!
Kris: Eek! I killed Roland!
Jared: You killed him.
Kris: I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to kill you. Will you live? No, wait, you’re dead.
MARCH 4, 2006
Stephanie looks at the monster picture.
Stephanie: Eeeeyah. I want to die.
Kris: I’m sure they’ll oblige.
Pete [GM]: And Xenin, that’s a mighty big morningstar.
Kris: Cool. I’m a mighty small halfling.
Robin: You want me to go one-on-one with your monkey? Because I’ll kick it’s furry little ass.
Robin: Here, put the light on the inside of my cloak.
Stephanie: So he can flash.
MARCH 25, 2006
In Our Heads
Robin: *thinks nasty thoughts*
Kris: What kinds of nasty thoughts?
Jared: The Diviners know.
Stephanie: I was thinking it would be funny if it was called the Bear’s Butt instead of the Boar’s Head.
Kris: He’s off scrolling a scribe…I mean scribing a scroll.
Stephanie: Does anyone have any chocolate?
Kris: I do; it’s wrapped in a cookie.
Pete [GM]: Wrapped in a cookie?
Kris hands Stephanie a cookie.
Pete [GM]: Oh. Those.
Kris: Okay, an elf that glowed. You don’t want to know what I heard just then.
MAY 30, 2006
Robin: Maybe one of us should eat all the onions. In a fight we can run around and breathe on people.
Kris: Your dice have more companionship than is good for them. I think they are breeding.
Pete [GM]: No they aren’t.
Jared: How do you know?
Kris: Did you count them recently?
Pete [GM]: Yes.
Kris: That’s scary.
Kris: Because I’m a fearsome naked halfling.
Stephanie: It’s that big?
AUGUST 5, 2006
Flirting with Gender
Joanna: Death death death death death eeee!
Kris: This is the halfling version of Wee Jas.
Xenin: Mmmm. Dead.
Kris: Wow, Gaulrog has a really cute sneeze.
Joanna: Are you all pimps now?
Kris: You missed a lot of talk about a video game.
Maurice: Resident ‘Good’
Stephanie: You feel something sharp.
Kris: That’s either a bear, or Marc.
Jared: Well, Roland, you didn’t show up, and Joanna killed your character.
Jared: We’re such basement geeks.
Kris: That’s right, we are playing DnD in a basement.
[Marc puts on a belt and turns into a woman.]
Robin: I don’t want to hear anything more about putting on stuff.
Xenin: I have no chance. I have a skeletal bear.
Robin: I don’t think either of us have much hope now.
Enelya: Don’t give up hope!
Xenin: Oh now you’re just being cruel.
Robin: Now’s she’s just teasing.
Gaulrog: (to Em) They didn’t take that well.
SEPTEMBER 4, 2006
Joanna and Kris: We’re grooving, we’re grooving.
Stephanie: Yay, he’s my hero-phant.
Snake: What is the balance of logic and emotion?
Gaulrog: A cheese sandwich.
Pete [GM]: Don’t be such a wet noodle, Kris.
Kris: I’m not Kris, I’m Ris.
Joanna and Stephanie: No, LaRis.
Stephanie: I don’t want to be ditzy!
Joanna: I can see everything. I can see through time.
Pete [GM]: I’ll go dig him out.
Roland: Need a shovel?
Pete [GM]: Half an hour later…
Xenin: I’m starving.
Jared: Zombie rats: Toessssss.
Stephanie: Why do pillows always like to get naked for me?
Robin: This is mah pet dawg, Spinebreaker.
Jared: We’re active knights!
Kris: We’re active days, too!
Joanna: We’re pulling double shifts!
NOVEMBER 11, 2006
Bananas and Lesbians
Robin: Lesbians have died out.
Stephanie: Tonight’s theme is bananas. And Lesbians.
Stephanie: Disappeared out of nowhere.
Stephanie: Anyone for roasted goblin?
Kris: Ew. Maybe Gaulrog.
Roland: Halfling, elf, human? Sure. Goblin? Ew.
Stephanie: What do they look like?
Stephanie: Kris loves to be played with.
Jared: I’m going to stick him in the back. That’ll be the theme for the evening.
Kris: I thought the theme was bananas and lesbians.
JANUARY 20, 2007
Xenin: First we’re going to prepare the bodies for burial.
Enelya: AKA looting.
Xenin: Let’s not talk to the face, let’s talk to the hand.
Jared: She is like a dominatrix.
Joanna: And that’s a bad thing how?
Stephanie: This game is going downhill.
Kris: This game never made it up the hill.
Robin: You are on a demi-plane. Help!
APRIL 21, 2007
Stephanie: Because no matter how hard we try, Joanna won’t go away!
Jared: I don’t need anyone to extract my vengeance for me.
Joanna: I can write with my sandwich.
JUNE 9, 2007
Joanna: We are well-lit.
Xenin: I have faith, Robin.
Gaulrog: I should hope so, you’re the cleric.
Xenin: Well yes, it’s in Wee Jas.
Kris: Goddess of Magic, WTF?
AUGUST 4, 2007
Snakes on a Platform
Jared: House vs. Car. Car wins.
Kris: Mainly because houses can’t dodge.
Stephanie: Unless they are mobile homes.
Jared: I give myself false death.
Jared: I cast deathball!
Joanna: Grease, grease, grease.
Kris: And suddenly we all feel greasy. Birch, stop that.
Joanna: You should tie it to your belt, so you can drop it on the fly.
Kris: But don’t tie it to your fly.
Jared: I got piss on my crossbow again.
Enelya: I’m so happy I pick up Xenin.
(Much calculation later it’s determined she really can pick up Xenin.)
Kris: Just tell me I’m chest-high and I won’t care.
Robin: How many apathetic snakes can you fit on a platform?
OCTOBER 13, 2007
Pete [GM]: It occurs to you…wait make an Int check.
Stephanie: Durrrrrrrrr. Kris: It occurs to you that fireball is a really great way to start a fire.
Robin: It is a very manly bond. I don’t expect you to understand.
Birch: Why isn’t it dead yet? Is it dead yet?
Xenin: And now she’s hot again.
Robin: That’s the fireball.
Kris: (whispers) Search the body.
Jared: I didn’t think of it.
Roland: (whispers) Bad rogue.
MARCH 2, 2008
The Helm of Litches
Robin: Maybe I’ll search the trap for buildings.
Xenin: Wait, who’s sharing a room?
Robin: We’re sharing a room. And they’re sharing a room.
Xenin: They’re sharing with us?
Robin: Those were two separate sentences, Xenin.
Xenin: I got all excited.
Robin: Put that away.
Goblin: We take you chief.
Gaulrog: You can’t have our chief.
Pete [GM]: You can call it a hand-scythe.
Stephanie: I like ham.
Kris: He said hand-scythe, not ham-scythe.
Stephanie: They took a shower together too?
Meta-Robin: What is this shower you speak of? Did it rain?
Meta-Gaulrog: In the Inn.
Robin: For that performance, you can keep the rest of the gold.
Birch: I like my men tastefully short.
Pete [GM]: There is a large snake.
Birch: Ooh, Jesus! Um, er…
Jared: Ooh! Wee Jas!
Snake: Tell me the tenants of Balance.
Joanna: It’s not the size of the dice.
Kris: It’s the size of the cleric rolling.
Pete [GM]: It’s some kind of force effect.
Roland: It’s some kind of force effect. Not sure if it’s light or dark.
Kris: Next on Geraldo – My Heirophant is a Zombie!
Jared: We may all die to a giant snake!
Kris: But at least I had sex with Birch!
Joanna: I died a happy elf.
Enelya: Hey Birch! We’re smoking!
Pete [GM]: You girls are hot.
Kris: That’s the fire snake.
Roland: 8. That’s not enough to hit him.
Jared: That’s not enough to hit anything.. I couldn’t hit me with that.
Enelya: Get a room.
Birch: Do you have a crown?
Robin: I have a coif.
Birch: Does it have any ledges on it?
Robin: *mimes holding a statue up to his head*
Kris: I’m so glad she said ledges, because I thought she said litches, and I was trying to figure out how Robin survived with litches on his head.
Jared: At last! The Helmet of Litches! Bwahahaha! [puts on helm, turns into a little litch stuck on the helm]
Kris: And all the other litches are like, “Dude, we are so stupid! Why doesn’t anyone actually look before putting this on?”
APRIL 6, 2008
Back to our Home Plane
Robin: You know why we’re here. What do we do with them?
Diviner: Where did you get them?
Enelya: You should already know.
Robin: Two copper pieces for a chicken – 50 chickens for a gold – times 25….2500 chickens.
Stephanie: Xenin’s playing with Robin’s snake.
Kris: Somewhere in Kris there lives a male chauvinist pig. Who knew?
Xenin: I’m not talking to Enelya and she’s confusing me.
Robin: You’re being confused by proxy.
Birch: There’s friends, and there’s ‘I pay you to do this to me.’
Pete [GM]: Anything else for the day?
Meta-Xenin: Doing Birch.
Meta-Birch: I need a victory-lay.
Kris to Pete [GM]: I have a harder time picturing you in goth gear than me baring my chest.
Xenin: We’re hoping for a priest or two – we have room for two – to come along in case of –
SEPTEMBER 7, 2008
The Campaign Ends
Kris: So what does the meta-magic rod of extend lesser do?
Jared: Helps Xenin in the bedroom. Everyone: Whoa.
Jared: I’m not saying you *need* help in the bedroom. It would help anyone in the bedroom.
Pete [GM]: You do you things.
Meta-Xenin: No, really. I do Birch. I don’t have to do my own thing anymore.
Robin: Oh, hi, Enelya. Did you have a good evening?
Enelya: Pretty good. Not going to ask about yours.
Robin: I had a good evening. Thanks for asking.
Pete [GM]: This is not the players vs. the GM.
Jared: No? I’ve been doing it wrong all this time.
Robin: We went to Monitor, we got knighted, we got poisoned, tried to get assassinated.
Robin: I think I can take a cut in pay for saving the world.
Kris: So what happens while I’m sitting here being bespelled by my beloved? Do I even notice Robin walking in?
Pete [GM]: No.
Jared: Robin probably doesn’t notice Robin walking in. I was in the street, now I’m in a bar. Ale!
Robin: You put it there, Goddess of Death, and people are like, OMG! Or rather, Oh My Not My God!
Roland: Conjuration, illusion, illusion?
Pete [GM]: We’ll take things that Gaulrog can’t cast for 400, Alex.
Meta-Xenin: Don’t kill the girls! Girls are fun to watch!
Pete [GM]: Yes they are!
Pete [GM]: Single Guy.
Kris: She was talking to me!
Jared: Teenage mutant ninja salad…x2! Heroes in a salad bowl!
Kris: Salad power!
Jared: Lettuce power.
Pete [GM]: We are damage control today.
Roland: It’s 4th ed. damage.
Kris: It’s 4th ed. damage in a 3rd ed. world.
Jared: Illusion and conjuration!
Roland: Your treasure rolls suck. Sorta.
Jared: Every time you hit an ogre, silver comes out.